


Four Times Ironman was a Peeping Tony and Once He Wasn't

by teand



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: 5 Things, Crack(ish), Multi, Nick Fury is a lying liar who lies, OT3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 23:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teand/pseuds/teand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's an alien who used to be worshipped as a god toasting Pop-Tarts in my kitchen, JARVIS.  It's a whole new world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times Ironman was a Peeping Tony and Once He Wasn't

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of a sequel to [Is that a Pistol in Your Pocket](http://archiveofourown.org/works/393442) . Sort of. Ish.

**one**

Moving flat out along the Hudson, Tony frowned at the data coming in. "We're still getting lag on L2 at top speed. Let's slow down and tweak the..." As the data changed, he sighed. "Could you maybe wait until I tell you what to tweak before tweaking."

"Sorry, sir. "

"Yeah, no you're not." He gained some altitude and swung in over Manhattan, heading back to the Tower. "You think the new sensor configuration is causing the problem?"

"I doubt it, sir. But I can run the numbers again."

"Maybe it's the new joints in the gauntlets." He did a barrel roll just for the hell of it and swung around to approach the Tower from the east, giving him the best view of... "Zoom. Four hundred percent. JARVIS, are you seeing this?"

"If you're asking do I see Agent Romanova climbing into Agent Barton's rooms, then yes, sir, I'm seeing this."

Tony couldn't say he was surprised, exactly. If anyone would have the cojones to climb balcony to balcony at a distance from the ground most people and some birds considered to be stupidly high, it would be Natasha or Clint. Clint had thrown himself off a building in the middle of a battle and taken the shot while he was in the air and Natasha... well, if there was anything the Black Widow feared, Tony hadn't run across it yet.

And speaking of the Black Widow...

He moved a little further out and adjusted the zoom, just to be on the safe side.

"Sir..."

"I'm hanging around as backup, in case she slips."

"Yes, sir."

"You think she knows I'm out here?"

"No, sir. You're still flying."

"Good point."

"I think she's a little distracted."

"I can't say I blame her." It wasn't just the arms; Clint was nicely muscled all over. Tony knew that objectively – given their comparative heights, they were frequent sparring partners – but watching him walk naked through the open balcony door, tuck his hands under Natasha's ass and carry her back into his rooms put those muscles in a whole new perspective. Tony'd always considered himself a solid two on the Kinsey scale, more than willing to appreciate a male body, but not likely to act on it. Watching the smooth muscles of Clint's back flex over the tight globes of his ass bumped him up to at least a three.

Until Natasha stripped down and he slammed back to a two. Maybe a one point five. In spite of the muscle Tony knew she had – Natasha had _also_ kicked his ass a time or two in the ring – she'd managed to keep lush curves. Her skin was such a creamy white it practically glowed. When Clint bent his head to her breast, Tony may have whimpered.

"Sir..."

"Look, if they're not going to close the curtains, they need someone out here making sure no sleazeball's going to be peering in."

"I believe Agent Barton's window is above even the flight path for the traffic helicopters, sir."

"There's an alien who used to be worshipped as a god toasting pop tarts in my kitchen, JARVIS. It's a whole new world."

"As you say, sir."

Fortunately, Tony had long since grown immune to JARVIS' disapproval – particularly as he couldn't remember having programed disapproval in. "Why do you think they're taking the high road instead of the hall? No one's going to care if they're bumping bits."

"No one may care, sir, but I expect there would be opinions expressed and both Agent Romanova and Agent Barton are very private people. And you," the AI continued before Tony could mention a few opinions he planned on expressing, "had best make no observations unless you wish to explain to Agent Romanova how you discovered their liaison."

Tony couldn't see _that_ going well. "You have a point."

"Thank you, sir."

He adjusted the zoom one more time. "Now, that's what I call flexible..."

 

 

 

**two**

"I'm telling you, JARVIS, it's lagging."

"And I'm telling you, sir, all my data says it isn't."

"Your data isn't going to end up as jam in a can if it quits and I slam into the side of a building."

"I'll run the numbers again, sir."

"Thank you." Tony took made another wide circle around the tower trying to work out just what was happening with his left repluser. As JARVIS said, the data looked fine but he could feel a hesitation and... "Looks like they're at it again."

"Who, sir?"

"Natasha and Clint."

"Of course, sir. And it would be?"

Tony rolled his eyes, flew further from the tower and adjusted the zoom. "Now you're just being deliberately obtuse."

"As you say, sir."

"Of course this time they're in Natasha's room, we've missed the death defying pre-show, and Clint's only got his suit jacket..." Tony had always considered the phrase, _his jaw dropped_ to be just that. A phrase. There wasn't room inside the helmet for his jaw to drop far.

"I don't believe that's Agent Barton, sir."

"It's Coulson."

"So it appears, sir, yes."

Natasha was two timing Clint with Coulson? Tony didn't know how he felt about that. Clint was his friend. Or was becoming his friend anyway. The two of them were doing some serious bonding over PTSD, a fondness for bad SF movies at 3AM, and ways to get that stick out of the Capsicle's ass. Should he tell Clint that his girl was...

...able to breath through her nose for a significant length of time. Tony nearly sideswiped a cell phone tower and hurriedly added some altitude to his flight path.

When it came right down to it, he'd known Natasha longer than Clint. In all honesty, as an assassin she made a kick-ass personal assistant. Literally. Coulson was an enigma, but Tony kind of thought that was Coulson's thing. And under the expensive suits, the man was lithely muscled even though his recent injury meant that right now, sprawled out on Natasha's sheets, he was allowing Natasha to drive.

Hell, Coulson had been technically dead for three minutes, he deserved a little hot and heavy. Tony decided to keep his mouth shut. Or at least to talk about other things.

"Sir?"

"Nothing to do with me, JARVIS. I'm just happy Coulson's alive."

Although, clearly not as happy as Natasha was.

 

 

**three**

"Seriously? Trash monsters?" Tony doubted the trip from SHIELD Headquarters to the tower would be enough time to scour the stink off his armor so he swung left to circle Manhattan and come in from uptown. "It was like a bad after school special about the dangers of not honouring the environment." He shuddered at the memory of the bio-robotic attack rising from New York's garbage barges and added, "JARVIS, remind me to buy a recycling facility."

"Yes, sir."

"And then actually make it profitable. Nothing like making money to get people interested in playing along."

"Indeed, sir. Will Dr. Banner be returning to the Tower tonight?"

"Dr. Banner thinks the bio part of the bio-robotic is worth losing sleep over, so no, he won't be returning tonight. The rest of the team..."

"Got home safely, sir."

"Good." Except for the smell, it hadn't been a particularly bad day as Avengers defined bad days and any day that didn't end up with one of them bitching about being sent to medical – or worse, being in no condition to bitch – was a day Tony wanted to celebrate. As the he swept around the tower, he noticed the light on in Clint's window and he...

...dropped eighteen stories before he recovered.

"Agent Coulson seems to have made a full recovery."

"Seriously? That's what you're going with? Coulson's buried balls deep in Clint's ass and you're making an observation about his health?"

"I believe that level of athleticism would be both difficult and painful were he not fully recovered, sir."

"Hawkeye _and_ the Widow..." Tony whistled silently. "...who'd have thought Coulson had it in him."

"Actually, sir, I believe..."

"Don't go there, JARVIS."

"Yes, sir."

"Did you know about this?" As Tony watched, Phil leaned forward and caught Clint's mouth in a kiss that, even at distance, looked bruising.

"Both Agent Barton and Agent Romanova have requested I maintain only emergency surveillance in their quarters."

"And who pays you?"

"My only remuneration is in the joy of a job well done," JARVIS sighed. Which, come to think of it, was fairly impressive as he didn't breath.

Watching Phil and Clint, Tony couldn't keep the phrase _joy of a job well done_ from repeating itself over and over and... "My face plate is steaming up."

"I'll make a note of it, sir."

 

 

**four**

"I don't care what Rodney says," Tony circled the Empire State building, waved at the tourists, and headed for home. "Heat seeking missiles are overkill. And they're messing with the aerodynamics."

"Not noticeably, sir."

"Maybe not from where you're sitting."

"Sir, perhaps it would be wise to approach the Tower from the south."

"Why? The city's finished the construction on the..." Then it hit him. "First of all, it's the middle of the afternoon. Second, I know for a fact that all three of them are in the tower and hello, super-spy assassin ninjas – and whatever the hell, Coulson is – and you can't sneak away from any of them. God knows I've tried. And third..." His reaction to the sight of three gorgeous athletic bodies moving as one on the other side of the glass was entirely involuntary.

"I'll compose an apology to Mayor Bloomberg, sir, and inform Ms. Potts that the services of the legal department will be required. At least the missiles were unarmed."

"Those three need to learn to close their God-damned curtains!"

"I doubt they're expecting to be seen, sir. Given the height of the Tower."

"What about pilots? Some poor bastard heading for Laguardia gets an eye full and ends up belly flopping a 747 in the Hudson and the Avengers have PR nightmare on their hands. Again."

"A commercial pilot would be unlikely to be hovering outside the Tower, sir."

"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting, JARVIS? I'm hurt. And I'm not hovering, I'm concerned about commercial aviation." This was clearly not the first time this had happened. Tony knew about the complications that came with extra body parts and none of those complications were evident in the... "Whoa! Let's hear it for upper body strength." Natasha really was remarkably flexible. Coulson had definitely fully recovered. And Clint Barton was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. Several worlds.

As Coulson gently brushed a strand of Natasha's hair back off Clint's face, Tony snickered.

"Is something amusing, sir?"

"You might say that. It just occurred to me why Fury laughed his ass off when I asked about fraternization."

"Indeed, sir."

 

 

**five**

"Sir, you realize all three of them are in Uzbekistan and are therefore not going to be providing..."

"Hey!" Tony cut the AI off. "A man can't fly around his own skyscraper without being given a hard... Hang on. There's something on the windows."

The message on Natasha's window had been written in scarlet lipstick.

_We'll be gone for at least a week._

Clint had hung an empty pizza box from the curtain rod, words scrawled messily around the center grease stain.

_You'll have to get your porn from the internet like everyone else._

"It seems they know, sir."

"You think? At least Coulson..." Then he noticed the small, white index card propped up on Clint's balcony and adjusted his zoom.

_Stark, you owe me a AL7S 213, Personal Use of Surveillance Equipment Outside Mission Parameters. I want it on my desk when I return._

"It's my own personal surveillance equipment so SHIELD can just..."

"Pardon me, sir, but the forms beginning with an A are Avengers specific and this form I believe is a direct result of the incident at the Trump Tower."

Safe inside the suit, Tony shuddered. "I did not need to be reminded of that."

"And the Bank of America Building."

"I fly. It's not my fault this city is kinky at high altitudes."

"And the Chrysler Building. And the New York Times Building. And the Citigroup Center."

" _That_ was Thor."

"Of course, sir. Pardon me. And the Beekman Building. And the City Spire Center. And One Chase Manhattan. And the Bloomberg Tower. And..."


End file.
